Ask for help not for yourself but for others

I will speak for myself, but I do believe that there is a generalizability to some of my thoughts. If you are like me you probably have had these type of thoughts at the idea of asking someone else for help:

• Asking for help means weakness.
• If I can get through this (insert situation) on my own I will be stronger.
• No one expects me to need help so I can’t ask for help.
• No one ever asks me for help, so if everyone else can get along with asking why can’t I?
• I should be able to do anything and everything on my own!

The list goes on and on…

The last bullet is probably the most damaging. The idea that we can navigate this life on our own is a fallacy. It doesn’t matter how independent we think we are, we are still social beings. We all take cues from our environment and social circles while also being influenced by our own emotions. To top it all off, we feed off one another. 

The irony is that everyone understands the concept of being influenced by their respective surroundings. Just today, for no reason my wife and I started to bicker. There is literally no reason why other than we thought the other person was getting upset and frustrated so then we got sucked in and countered with anger and frustration. 

Everyone has been there. When under “attack”, I am speaking metaphorically, you will inadvertently either attack with greater energy, or retreat into submission and take the “assault.” Neither is ideal but I am sure it has to do with our innate fight or flight nature. 

At this point, I know I am not telling you anything you don’t already know. However, if we all know how we will respond to certain social situations why then do we find it so hard to ask for help?

Think about this:

• If I tell a significant other that I love them, even if they are mad, they will likely (at least I hope so) respond with, “I love you too” even if it is under their breath.
• If I tell a friend that I lost a loved one and they see me crying they will likely respond by embracing me.
• If I call up a family member or friend on the phone and just tell them I need someone to listen to me without judgment so I can vent, they will likely be a silent listener.

If as social beings we know all of the above bullets to be true, for the majority of us, why then can’t we find ourselves to literally utter the words, “I need help?” I find it interesting that we can accept that we will attack if attacked or will console if someone needs consoling, yet when it boils down to it the majority of us will fight tooth and nail before saying, “would you help me?” 

I was in Venice beach filming a vlog last month and I was speaking about asking for help. I was inspired about the topic because at the time I had many plates in the air that I needed to start asking for help. During that vlog, I came up with a statement that happens to be the title of this blog. It goes like this: 

“Ask for help not for yourself but for others” Ely Albalos, 2022

I know, the statement in and of itself isn’t mind blowing or is it? If you agree with my comments at the beginning of this blog then you know that you are hesitant to ask for help when you need it. Well, if I also admit that I am hesitant to ask for help when I need it we are at a stalemate. In the case of asking for help one of us will need to give in. It may mean allowing yourself to be vulnerable in front of others but that is the only way to make a change. Someone needs to be vulnerable and ignore all of those misconceptions we have about what it means to ask for help.

Let me give you an example of something I experienced recently. I have been working on launching my Bitcoin ATM business, called Bit Bytes ATM. It has been a struggle right from the start. There is little known about the industry and when people hear that it is associated with “Bitcoin” doors are instantly shut. For example, it took me six months and about 80 phone calls to different banks just to find one that would partner with my company. Even then, it took another six weeks before my account was finally approved and established. I am now to the point where I need to get my machines in stores but I literally don’t have enough time in the day to maintain my doctoral studies, write blogs, write a book, record podcasts, work a full-time job, and spend quality time with my wife. 

We have a house cleaner, I will call her Gwen, that we got to know for about a year and half through the cleaning company we contracted with. She was a great person and my wife and I grew to adore her. She is a single mother making ends meet and as we got to know her she shared when she lost a family member, when her kids had medical issues, and her struggles with making ends meet. We have a fond place in our heart for Gwen and I knew she would be a great field representative for my company but I didn’t want to cause complications with her work by approaching her for an opportunity. I was also afraid to ask her for help because I wouldn’t be able to match her full-time hours and did not want her to feel obligated to help me if it didn’t make sense.

Last week, she revealed to us that she was leaving the cleaning company. She had worked for the company for 10 years but was not being treated fairly. I knew that was an opportunity for me to approach her about working for my company part-time. I waited until I knew it was her last day with her employer and sent a simple text message asking if she would be interested in helping me launch my company. She immediately responded with a resounding, “Yes!” 

I met with Gwen to discuss the opportunity in person, last Sunday, and I knew she was a perfect fit. After we were done with the business stuff, she blew me away with a comment. Provided is a paraphrased snippet of what she said:

“You and your wife have always been so good to me. You always ask how I am doing and you have always been so generous during the holidays. On Friday, my last day at work, I was really scared. I knew it was the right thing to do because I couldn’t continue to be mistreated but I didn’t know what I was going to do to support my family. I was leaving work for the last time, feeling depressed, when I got your text. I literally couldn’t stop smiling. I knew you both always looked after me. I called my Mom right away and told her I had a job opportunity. Thank you for thinking of me and asking me to help you.”

I was so blown away that it took me a few seconds to regain my bearings.  

There I was in a situation where had I not asked this person for help, not only would I have missed an opportunity to help someone that desperately needed it but I would not have realized how much she needed to ask me for help but wouldn’t have asked otherwise.

We need to rethink the thoughts that asking for help is a bad thing and reframe the situation so that we illuminate the potential benefit to others. If we reword the bulleted thoughts at the beginning of this blog so that you are asking for help not for yourself but for others, we get the following:

• Asking for help shares weakness and opens us up to helping each other.
• If I can’t get through this (insert situation) on my own I can ask for help and I will be stronger because of it.
• No one expects me to need help, but if I need help it’s ok to ask for help.
• No one ever asks me for help, but I know everyone needs it so why can’t I be the first person to ask my friends and family for help?
• I should be able to do anything and everything on my own but the world is a scary and complicated place and it is ok to lean on others for support.

Try it out. If you can reframe how you think about asking for help and can influence others to do the same, how much better off would we all be? Even if you ask someone for help when you really need it and they deny you, you are no worse off but I guarantee your inquiry will have an impact on the other person. Better yet, what if after you ask for help the other person responds in an unpredicted manner with something they were hesitant to open up about?